my life with you (from adam, to takashi)
by czqy
Summary: Adam recounts his relationship with Takashi.


When we first met, we were _so_ young. We had no clue about the world, but we shared the same dream—to become pilots, and hopefully venture out into space some day.

I remember that you intimidated me, at the start. It was just that, you were _so_ sure of yourself, and when I looked at you, all I saw was determination. It was sort of frightening, honestly. I mean, imagine a pre-teen who already knew who they were, what they were going to do, and how they were going to do it. Crazy, right? But that was you.

I was jealous at first, I must admit. You were already more of what I wanted to be than I might ever achieve, and I hated that. It didn't help that you isolated yourself quite a bit. You were nice, yeah, but you didn't really talk to anyone. You stuck to yourself, and then you started breaking all those records, and that was when it was clear you were on a whole different level to the rest of us.

So those feelings turned into admiration. You became someone I looked up to. I would almost study the way you flew, and tried to apply it during my own simulations. It was hard when the others picked on you. They were just envious of you, everyone knew that, but it still made me feel bad. You did nothing to deserve the treatment they gave you, but you never complained about it once. You stayed silent, not even sparing them a glance. I tried to stand up for you a few times, but I was too quiet, and I was too afraid that they would turn on me, and I am sorry for that.

When we became partners for the first time, I was scared. I was afraid of disappointing you, of holding you back, but you know what happened instead? You helped _me_ become a pilot I could be proud of. When I screwed up a simulation, you patiently went through the events with me, and kindly advised me on what to do differently next time. I was starting to see a different side of you. Not only were you skilful, you were a natural born leader as well. And that was when I started to fall.

I think you knew. I'm not really subtle when it comes to my emotions. I remember the first time I mustered up the courage to sit with you at the cafeteria. I was so nervous, and my hands were shaking, and I just stood in the middle of the walkway contemplating if I should do it or not. In the end I did, because the want to get to know you and to be close to you was stronger than any fears I had about it. And when I sat, nothing happened. You continued to eat your food, not looking up once, and I was almost disappointed. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. So I started eating as well, emotions switching between anger and sadness the whole time. I knew was my fault, because I had you placed on a pedestal, _and_ I had a crush on you, but that didn't stop me from feeling those things. You finished eating, stood up silently, picked up your tray, and started to leave. I was watching, but kept my head down. And then you spoke. "Bye, Adam. See you later."

By the time I lifted my head you were already gone. But the feelings lingered. I was too excited to keep eating, and the butterflies fluttered around in my stomach for the rest of the day. That—the simple sentence—set something off. I was suddenly confident. I spoke more openly around you, dared to crack a few jokes. I even became tactile. God, it was exhilarating. And that was probably when you became certain of my feelings. Because sometimes I would go a bit far with my words, or hold onto you for too long. But you never seemed to mind. There was this knowing look you gave me though, and it always made me flush. Even then, you never said anything. I didn't know if it was because you were genuinely okay with it, or because you're just that kind, or because maybe… Maybe I had a chance.

"I'm not some god, you know?" You told me once. "I'm good at what I do, yeah, but that doesn't mean you should worship me. We are equals." I grew red, embarrassed to have been called out, and to have made you uncomfortable. I was about to apologise, to tell you that I would go request another partner, but then you spoke again. "I just— I need you to know that, if we're going to be… friends." You walked away after, because for some reason you had to be dramatic like that, but a moment later I shouted after you.

"Don't come complaining when you've had enough of me stealing your food then!"

"I'm looking forward to it!" You waved, and let out a loud chuckle that sounded like music to my ears.

It took some time, for me to stop seeing you the way I did since I first met you. But you were right. Once I viewed us to be on the same level, our teamwork improved by leaps and bounds, and the atmosphere around us became more lively.

And then I found out about your disease. It was after one of our simulations. We did exceptionally well, beat our personal record, and I was so excited. But when I turned to you, you were hunched over, with your eyes screwed shut, and you looked to be in pain. To this day, Takashi, something I cannot handle is seeing you hurt. And that very first time? I was _terrified_. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know if you knew what was happening; I didn't want to run out and reveal this to anyone you didn't want knowing; I didn't want to touch you in case it'd make it worse, so I just stood there. I felt useless.

"Adam," you grit out, "there is a band on my wrist, under my sleeve. Press the big button on it, please."

I nodded wordlessly, and immediately did what you told me to do. I knew what you were talking about, I'd felt it before, but I had just assumed it was a watch. When I pushed the button and you relaxed, I breathed out a sigh as well. I still didn't really have a clue what happened, but I was just glad you were okay now. When you turned to me, I thought of a million things you could say to me. They ranged from you providing an explanation to you asking me not to talk about this. What I didn't expect, was a weak smile.

"So, how 'bout that record, huh?"

I wanted to _punch_ you. You were in so much pain a few moments ago and you come back with something like this? I couldn't though, so I settled for an eye roll, but I ended up smiling too. We got out of the simulation, and went about the school day as normal. You didn't mention what happened, so I didn't press. I couldn't help but wonder though. Was that why you tried so hard at everything you did? Was that why you already had goals set in stone, and were willing to do anything to achieve them?

Our first big argument was similar to our last. You wanted to do something reckless, dangerous, and I didn't want you to get hurt. We were older then, well into our teenage years. We were also closer. For some reason, you let me in, unlike anyone else. I rationalised it by saying it was because we were partners, so we had to be on good terms, but another part of me held onto another thought. My feelings for you never wavered, but they did change somewhere along the line. It was no longer simply because I thought you were so cool, or handsome, or that you could make me laugh in ways no one else could. I was concerned for you, because I was the only person who saw you at your lowest, when your body betrayed you, and I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to help you the way you had helped me.

"I won't let you do this!" I had yelled. I was glad we were in your dorm, because we would've caused a scene otherwise.

"Why not? Is it because you think I'm _weak_?" You spat the word out with venom.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, because I didn't understand. You were a lot of things, but never in a million years would I use that word to describe you.

"My _disease_ , Adam. I see how you look at me sometimes. Like I'm something broken, like—" I cut you off then, because you had it so, so wrong, and I had to tell you.

"I look at you like that because I care for you! Because I don't want to see you hurt! God, do you know what it does to me? You keep pushing yourself, going past your limits, and _I_ am an accomplice to all that! I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"Why?" You were asking a question you already knew the answer to, but maybe you and I both needed to hear it said out loud.

"Because I _like_ you, Shiro," and there it was, out in the open. It wasn't how I thought I'd confess—I hadn't really imagined confessing at all, but it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. In response you just stared at me, with an unreadable gaze, then walked out. I didn't know what to do after that, because you just walked out of your own room with me still in it, but after a while I went back to my own dorm.

When I opened my door that night to see you behind it, I was surprised. I didn't know what that fight just did to our relationship, and I wasn't expecting to see you so soon. I let you in wordlessly, and you sat on my bed.

"Doing these things, breaking these records," you started, "is really important to me. My disease, it affects my muscles, and there will come a time where I'll barely be able to use them. So before that I'm going to push myself so I can achieve everything I want to achieve. I'm sorry I've dragged you into this, and it was unfair of me to do so without providing you with some sort of explanation. So I'm giving you an out. You can ask for a new partner. But, no matter what you choose to do, I will continue with the path I have chosen."

There really wasn't anything for me to contemplate, so I replied immediately. "Switch partners and then what? Force someone else to deal with your horrible dad jokes? I gotta take one for the team, man." I tried to convey it as a joke, but it came out somewhat forced, although I am glad it made you smile.

After that, nothing really changed. We didn't talk about your disease, and we also didn't talk about my feelings. You did hold back a bit more, or at least you faked reluctance, but other than that everything was pretty normal. I was okay with that.

Do you remember how you asked me out? We were studying in my room, because although you excelled at flying, you weren't too great at some of the other subjects—namely, chemistry.

"So," you broke the silence, "would you say I'm the more positive one and you're the more negative one out of the two of us?"

"Um, yeah, sure," I replied, unsure of where you were going with this.

"If we were atoms we could form an ionic bond, yeah?"

"Yeah, that's right." I thought your analogy was weird, but figured if it'd help you remember, then it was fair enough.

"It's because they're attracted to each other, right?"

"Yeah," I replied absentmindedly, focused on my own revision.

"Well um I'm attracted to you so if you still like me do you want to be partners?" You spoke in a rush and I could barely make out what you said.

"Wait, what." I ceased studying, and tried making eye contact with you, but you wouldn't look up from your book.

"I like you?" And it felt like the breath had been sucked out of me. My heart started beating crazy fast, and I was so afraid that there would be a punchline, that you would tell me it was a prank, but you would never do something that. The way you were blushing also made it obvious you were telling the truth.

"I mean the other part," I had to distract myself, "we're already partners."

"Yeah but do you want to like, be _next level_ partners?" You were still talking in circles, and it was frustrating, but it readied me to ask the next question.

"Are you asking me out?" It wasn't something I ever thought would happen. I had come to terms with it ages ago, and although I did fantasise sometimes, I was content with the way we were.

"Um, yes," and you finally looked up, and when I made eye contact with you this _wave_ of emotion washed over me. All of a sudden I was a younger version of myself again, and it was like my feelings for you got renewed, and it was overwhelming. I felt elated.

"Okay." I tried to sound calm, but my voice was shaky.

"Okay," and you gave me the brightest smile. I reciprocated, and we honestly probably just sat there grinning to each other like idiots for a good few minutes. Then you took my breath away for the second time that night. "Can I kiss you?"

When our lips met for the first time, fireworks didn't go off, and there was no confetti. That's not because it wasn't special—it definitely was, but it felt familiar, you know? Like it was always meant to happen. It wasn't some big feat, it was like coming home. I remember telling you that after, when we had given up on studying and were lying on my bed with our hands interlaced and held above us. You laughed at me, and called me a big sap. I retaliated calling you a huge nerd, because seriously, who asks someone out with _chemistry_ puns?

And then we became stronger than ever.

Okay, there was a period where we were worse because we kept getting distracted by each other, but after that we were at our peak. We aced our simulations, we performed really well on our tests, and we graduated! There is nothing that made me happier than receiving our certificates together, standing side by side.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, of course, we fought like any normal couple. Especially when you decided to take Keith under your wing, sorry Keith. But we always resolved those issues, because being away from the other hurt more than whatever disagreements we were having. But then the fights started getting worse, and we weren't coming to any agreements anymore, and then I uttered those words that haunted me from the moment you left for Kerberos.

"If you decide to go, don't expect me to be here when you get back."

I didn't really mean it. You know that right? I just— I thought that maybe it would scare you. That you would realise I wasn't just against it because of the health risks, but because of what it would do to me as well. I couldn't handle the thought of losing you, Takashi. I mean, I already had a limited time with you, I didn't want to cut that down even shorter. And I know it was selfish, but god, I was going to propose to you! When you didn't come home that night, I knew. You made your choice, and I was going to have to live with mine.

As soon as you were gone, I knew it was stupid. It was such a stupid, _stupid_ thing, but I was so afraid, and I thought that it would be easier if I forced myself away. It wasn't. All those days before the mission were wasted, all that time we could've spent together. It got worse when the news broke out. And you know what made it so much more horrible? I had to find out like every other citizen. Because I was no longer your _boyfriend_ , the higher ups wouldn't inform me first.

When I heard it was due to a pilot error I didn't want to believe it. You were the best pilot that had ever been to the Garrison, the only reason they even allowed you to go despite how young you were was because they knew you would do a good job. I refused to believe it. You weren't dead. There was no way, I would know, and that mentality stayed with me for a few days until I realised that I really didn't know. Because what if your muscles finally failed? What if years had become months, and we didn't even know? Or what if you did know? What if you knew, and that was why you were _so_ adamant about going? Because this was one of your biggest dreams, and you decided that if you were going to die you would do it surrounded by stars?

And that was when I broke down. God, I spent nights crying, and then days, and then they forced me to take a break because it was affecting my teaching. But I couldn't believe you were gone, Takashi, and the last words I said to you was something like that. I told myself I had to live with the consequences, but god I didn't want to. I don't know how long that went on for, but I remember being in a dark place for quite some time.

I felt bad for Keith too, you two were like brothers, and I knew he wasn't taking the news well. I tried to talk to him, but our connection was through you, and with you gone that severed. When he got expelled, it was kind of like I lost you for a second time.

Then the craziest thing happened. Katie showed up. I didn't recognise her at first though, because all I saw was Matt. And for a moment everything seemed normal again. If Matt was back, you were too, right? Or maybe this had been some horrible nightmare, and I finally woke up. But despite how similar Matt and Katie are, they still have their differences, and when I realised, it broke my heart. I couldn't imagine what it felt like for her, to lose her father _and_ her brother. I found it odd she had cut her hair and started wearing glasses, but I knew something was off for sure when I learnt she was going around under the name 'Pidge Gunderson'. I couldn't contact her though, because I didn't want to risk exposing her true identity, but we shared knowing looks sometimes, and it gave me hope.

That night you crashed on Earth, I had been marking papers. Can you believe that? I was humming to some tune when I heard all the commotion. I stuck my head out the door, asked what was going on, and someone said your name. Actually, I think they said more than that, it was probably something along the lines of "Shiro is back", but as soon as I heard your name I bolted.

I couldn't believe it. You were alive. You were _alive_ and you were _home_ and I was prepared to beg for your forgiveness and to ask you so many things and—

You were gone. Again. I ran into the quarantine zone to find an empty examination table and three officers on the ground. There was no evidence you had been there at all. It could've been anyone. The people in the building could've had it wrong. I was stupid to have thought otherwise. I was standing frozen, staring at the space you should've been, when Commander Iverson spoke.

"He was here," he said, and there was no need for him to clarify who he was talking about. "We had cameras set up, you can go look at the feed."

If I was to describe the emotions I felt when I reviewed the footage, I could only say it was pure relief. You were okay, albeit you had a new hairdo, scar, and arm. I didn't even want to think about what happened to you, what you had gone through, but I was so glad you were alive. I cried, but those tears were unlike the ones I'd shed previously. They were tears of joy. I was devastated you were gone before I could see you in person, but when I realised it was Keith, Katie, Lance, and Hunk that helped you escape, it comforted me a bit. They were bright students, good people, and I trusted you in their hands. So all I could do afterwards was wait. I had no clue where you had gone, we scoured the desert and found no other human life, but I knew you would return eventually, and that was enough for me.

During the time you were wherever you were I wondered what I would say to you when you got back. I knew I wanted to apologise, and I wanted to hear of everything you did, but I didn't know if you'd want to tell me. We were probably different people now, and you owed me nothing. In my mind I could imagine tearful reunions, bone-crushing hugs, but realistically I knew it would probably be awkward. I didn't know what you wanted, and that was terrifying. In the end I decided I would be okay with anything, so long as you were alive and well.

When Sam returned, there was no time for any catch up. He brought bad news, and we needed to prepare for it. God, a war with an alien race? What had you gotten yourself into, Takashi? That thought crossed my mind countless times as we informed the students and stocked up on supplies. But then again, I really wasn't surprised. You really had to be extraordinary, didn't you?

I was surprisingly at ease when the Galra started attacking. I knew it was partially because I had to be—I couldn't let my emotions get in the way of my work, and us higher ranking officers had to set an example for the students. But I believed it was also because I knew they were the ones who did this to you. I was furious with them, I was so angry, and apparently that puts me in a deadly calm state. And then there was the part of me that was certain of victory. I knew we were going to win. Because even though I knew nothing about Voltron, I knew that as long as you were there, there was no way you wouldn't do your very best. We were safe with you on our side.

When you returned for the second time, officially, it felt like the first time we met. I watched you come down from the lion, in all your glory, and could do nothing but stare. Your presence was as I remembered, although you looked very different. I had seen your prosthetic and scar on that video footage, but the full head of white hair? That was new. And even though it made you look like a bit of an old man, you were still as handsome as ever, and I was breathless. I had been standing a bit further back, and truthfully it was because I wanted to be able to hide. I didn't know if I could face you, now that you were actually here in the flesh. But then I saw your eyes scanning the crowd, and I followed the movement, not knowing what you were looking for, and my heartrate started picking up, thinking that just maybe—

I have fallen three times in my life so far, Takashi. The first time was when you handed me a workbook filled with notes you made, containing tips and tricks on how to improve on my flying. And it wasn't just some basic, general thing, it was tailored specifically to me. I remember you were rubbing at your eyes when you handed it to me, so I jokingly asked if you stayed up to do this, to which you replied saying it was no big deal. You walked away right after, because again, dramatics, and I was left staring in disbelief after you.

The second time was also the first time I had ever seen the great Takashi Shirogane flustered. I wouldn't let you live it down, and you pretended to hate it, but I saw. I saw those fond smiles you tried to hide after. Now that I think back to it, I'd say I deserve as much credit as you did. Sure, you planned it, but if I hadn't asked for confirmation would you have been able to say you were asking me out?

The third time was when your eyes found mine amongst that crowd. As soon as we made eye contact, it was like I had tunnel vision. I could only see you. My feet started moving, taking me to you, and during that time these memories resurfaced. I saw our first date, when we snuck up to the roof to see the stars; that time we fell off one of those hover vehicles because we were distracted by each other's lips; the moment we realised we had become the power couple of the institution. You were coming towards me too, and when I made it out of the crowd we ran towards each other. And just before I could throw myself at you, just before you could catch me and spin me around, we stopped.

I stared at your eyes, since it was the only place I could find familiarity in, and I started to cry because I couldn't even be sure that I knew you anymore. You still resembled the Takashi I fell in love with, but since then you had been through so much, experienced so many things, and I realised I had no clue what your plans were now. I didn't know if I was included, if I deserved to be at all. I just got you back, Takashi, I wasn't prepared to let you go again, despite what I promised myself earlier. I started to apologise, because I didn't want to burden you with _my_ emotions, but then I felt this warmth around me.

You had pulled me close, and I clutched onto you like a lifeline, afraid that if I let go you would disappear again, and a fresh wave of tears came. It's an experience crying onto smooth armour, let me say that. But you started crying too, and then we were there, on our knees on the ground, holding onto each other. No words had been exchanged between us, but we didn't need any. We knew. _I missed you. I'm glad you're safe. I love you._

As we reconciled, there was still one question on my mind I hadn't dared to ask yet. What were you going to do now? You had gone to space, which was your dream, and your illness was gone, thanks to this new body. Everything that held you back before could no longer lay a finger on you. Plus, with the Voltron lions and the Galra defeated, there were countless places we could explore now. I had to ask though, because there was this future I had subconsciously envisioned for us, and I needed to know if I should change that.

I prefaced the question by saying I would stand by whatever your decision was, I could even come along if you'd like, and that I wasn't ever going to leave you again. I waited for silence after I finished speaking, I was prepared to give you time to deliberate and to gather your thoughts, but you replied not even a second later.

You lounged back on the couch, closed your eyes, and you know what you said? "Nah, I'm tired." My shock must've been loud, because you peaked an eye open to check on me, and then went back to resting. "What?" You asked, "you try being around four teenagers all the time, and participating in a cat and mouse game across universes. I've had enough adventures for a lifetime. I've missed this homey life."

There's not much else that happened after, which takes us to where we are now. I am so grateful to be standing here with you today, in front of our friends and family, to—don't laugh at me for this—form a covalent bond. It's the strongest bond out there, and this is also just a message to any bad aliens that might be out there listening: it's going to take a hell of a lot to break us apart! This man is my husband now! So don't you dare think you can get to him without coming through me first!

I love you, Takashi Shirogane. You are the greatest man I've known, and I am so thankful to have you in my life. I tell you this every day, but I'm going to say it again in front of this crowd, as a proclamation to the world.

I am exhilarated to be spending the rest of my life with you.

* * *

 **A/N:** they marryyyyyyyyyy

thanks for reading, I hope you guys liked this! it was a blast to write, and it's also the quickest I've ever finished a fic ahaha

(my tumblr is riskeith if you wanna hmu!)


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